I'm not the poet I used to be

I am not the poet I once was
All my heartfelt, sobbing verse
That flowed in time
With rhythm and rhyme
Seems silly and rehearsed

My soul feels these deep emotions
That words fail to express
My thoughts are on a merry-go-round
And lining up for the address

The teen angst did give way
To a woman confused in love
Only to learn I knew not
How to love or be loved
Because I did know its author

Sleepless nights and pleading cries
Left me empty and alone
Filling the void with substitutes
Surely led me deeper down the dark path

Weighted down by regrets and shame
In circles spinning round
Had someone not set me on the right course
Left to my own devices
I surely would have drowned

But the rescue came
I did not know it was unfolding
It started with a vocation
That ended up a calling

Restored dignity...
Slowly rebuilding what sin, fate and pain tore down
Little by little every broken piece
Was being repaired,restored, made new

Purpose renewed my strength
Hope sprang anew
Eventually I found myself
In a love that was new
The path had thorns, but the rose did bloom
Into a love so true
And each season gets sweeter
Fruit bore more fruit

Then the light grew brighter
The light within fueled by the source
Of the Light of the World
Rearranged, changed
Dead to the old
Resurrected and new

The journey has just begun
Learning, living, shining, sharing, proclaiming
It's so hard to explain

But I'm not the poet I used to be
Something happened
 when the Lord took hold of me
I still sing, though the songs are new
But sometimes the joy
Cannot be put into verse
So I have become better
My poems are worse

But the maker of my soul
Knows the songs that I sing
He is my audience
 so it's okay.

Still running

I used to run away
     from the thoughts in  my head
     from the pain
     from the tears
     from the hopes because they were drowned out by fears

I used to run away
    from the conflict
    from the conquest
    from the contradiction
    from the controversy
 
I used to run away
   too weak to stand my ground
   the running drowned out the sound
   of my racing mind
   of my feeble pounding heart
   of the should have, would have, could have
                   regrets that would drown

and then pain
                    left me drained
                                             oh the running was in vain
but then I was changed

I am still running
                     but now I run to
I run to your open arms
         to lay down my burdens
                             my fears
                                    my doubts
                                           my tears
I run to your listening ear
            to talk out my hopes
                              my dreams
                                          my aspirations
I run to your understanding love
             when I fail
                       when I come up short
                                          when I am very aware of how unworthy I am
And I run to you
                   I cannot quite get to that finish line it evades me
But in your endless mercy and abounding love
                     Come and reach me right where I am
                                           The race continues
                                                                 but I run not away but toward
 And when I am weary and can't take another step
                                               it is then I realize....you are alongside me
                                                                                          and have always been

Waiting Room

Throughout life we will find ourselves in the waiting room.  We may wait on answers, relief, answers to a question, a plan or a rescue.  What do we do while we wait?  It likely depends upon what we are waiting? We may distract ourselves with reading, playing a word puzzle or electronic game.  If we are around others we may distract ourselves with conversation. We distract ourselves from the unpleasant task of waiting.

There are seasons in life where I have spent a lot of time in the waiting rooms of life.  At times they are literal waiting rooms and other times figurative rooms. Many times it can be both.  One year ago I sat alone in both a figurative and literal waiting room. I was waiting for my stepmother to return from a radiation treatment for her lung cancer that had spread to her brain.  She was diagnosed the week before Christmas. Our family had so many unknowns. We were waiting to learn of her treatment plan. We were waiting for the provision of her treatment which was costly and we had some insurance struggles. We were ultimately waiting for the outcome. Faced with so many unknowns in that waiting room alone I found I was really waiting on God.

As I waited for her to return to her hospital room from her treatment that morning, I thought, reflected and prayed. I flooded the Lord's throne with prayers for my stepmother and my whole family.  As I waited for details to unfold and all the barriers to be overcome, I realized I was waiting on a God that is able to do much more than I could conceive.

As I waited on God to act I would seek His face more fervently. I would sup with Him more desperately and I was more open to hear His voice.  I was waiting for an answer.  As I waited for the situation to unfold that morning in that waiting room something happened that I can only explain as this. I slowed down and craved not distraction but captivation. I no longer wanted the answer to how everything would unfold. What I craved for my stepmother, my loved ones and myself was peace. That peace that goes beyond understanding. I wanted that to envelop my whole family.

So alone in that waiting room, that became my prayer, ' Lord this Christmas, grant us your peace.'

Looking back I can report that he did. He granted us not only a feeling of His presence which gave and amazing peace to walk out all that was to come, but He granted peace in so many ways. Relationships that had been wounded were reconciled. Forgiveness granted. A joyful Christmas full of memories was enjoyed by a family coming together to peacefully celebrate the moment in light of so many unknowns.

Later that same week my stepmother would have two occasions of driving through Christmas lights with those she loved, we would sing Christmas carols and laugh. Then she had a house full of grandkids opening gifts that she picked out for them. It was her joy to spread joy by giving them gifts. She felt no pain that day, it was joy and it was peaceful.

Though this Christmas she is not with us and the answer to how it unfolded has been played out, what remains is that very same peace. Peace that she is with our Lord. Peace that she is no longer in the waiting room of life, she is with the very source of peace and joy and life.

So for now it us , her family that continues to be in the waiting room of life.  We can learn something from Lana. Each day , though her future was unknown she just kept being her. She lived out life, did what she had to do, loved the way she loved and was just her. So as we continue in this waiting room of life, we can live out God's plan for our lives and seek him for peace and joy along the way.

Then one day those of us who place our hope in Christ shall reunite with Him and all of those that went before. Then the peace and joy will be eternal and we will wait no more!

Lay Down Your Expectations- Waiting Part 2

Often times a lot of the source of our stress, our strife, our worries and disappointments stem from unmet expectations. Conflict in relationships can even find its root in expectation. I find this to be true in relationships of all nature and in a variety of circumstances. I have my own expectations of myself and others expectations of me that try as I may, I fail to meet.

I love planning parties whether it be baby showers or birthday parties or any social event. This was a medium of a creative outlet for me. I work in healthcare which is a serious business which does not allow me to use my creative passions to much. So planning events and decorating would allow me to put ideas into action. I remember several occasions in putting everything together I would get frustrated because this or that detail did not work out just right. Things had to be just so and when they were not they did not meet my expectation. I would feel disappointment. I would feel a sense of failure.

So one year I am working on my daughter's themed birthday party at home. I was rushing trying to finish all the details before the guests arrived.  I found myself frustrated and panicked because some detail , which funny enough I don't even recall  now, was not working out right. I was stressed and disappointed. Then it happened. You know those crazy "aha" moments that hit you in the head. I realized, ' Wait a minute! I am stressing out over this one detail and I am the only one who knows what I envisioned in my mind for this event. No one else knows that this thing in my mind did not come to fruition.  Why am I so stressed?'  Guess what? I did not have a good answer.  You know what else happened?  People came to the party. They had fun. They liked the decorations. The kids all had fun.  They enjoyed the food and no one ever said, " you know this party would have been so much better if only you had done....."

Life lesson learned.

In life we plan and we build up expectations of the ideal job, marriage, home, vacation, and  holiday events. We even build up expectations with all of the relationships in our life. We fail to be flexible. We fail to factor in that life happens and things happen. We fail to give grace for people's human nature.  Then when it does not play out as we imagined we find ourselves disappointed. This disappointment is a joy thief and we are robbed of the actual event, opportunity or relationship that is right there before us.

It is okay to have goals and standards and things to strive for so that we are motivated. However, when it is all done we must lay our expectations down.

In fact if you look back to when Jesus came, the reason many did not accept him as Messiah is that he did not fit into their expectation of what the Messiah was going to look like. They were expecting a Messiah that would come and overthrow the Roman Empire and reestablish the throne of David over Israel. They expected a revolutionary warrior King that would defeat Rome. They were not expecting a humble man, from Nazareth of all places. Have you read this guy's lineage and he is messiah?

Those who listened with open hearts to Jesus would come to realize that he did not meet the expectations they had of Messiah, but he exceeded them. He was a revolutionary alright. He came and upset the norms. He turned the tables over.  He offered his teaching to all. He healed many. He broke social mores if it meant reaching a lost soul.  He rescued the weak, the poor, the sick, the sinful and welcomed them to sit and eat with him. He even dined with a traitor. He was not quite what they expected.  You see Jesus did not defeat Rome. No he did something greater. Jesus defeated sin and death.

From this I have learned that when I lay down my own expectations at the feet of Jesus and surrender them to him, He will not meet, but exceed my expectations so that I have a life more abundantly that I could ever dream.

So as we wait for the Lord to move in whatever may be your situation....let us lay down our expectations and seek the Lord.  I promise you will not be disappointed and it will be better than you could have ever expected.

Waiting Step 1- Be Still

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; 

Yes, wait for the LORD.- Psalm 27:14

Waiting. This is a hard thing to do and it seems with our modern instant gratification culture, it has become even more difficult. I confess, I am naturally impatient. Those who know and love me will tell you it's true. I don't mean to be, but I am. The Lord is working on that, but I have far to go.  I am always looking for the next adventure, task to perform, or thing to do so I can cross it off my checklist.  It is not my nature to sit and be still.

I remember several years back when the Lord had me in a season that was pivotal in my faith journey that I kept hearing people all around me quoting that Bible verse. You know the one, " Be still and know that I am God."  'Okay I know that you are God', I thought. I have that down. Since I was a little girl I just knew there was a God in heaven and Jesus was his son and he died for me. John 3:16 was a seed planted in my heart years ago thanks to my Grandmother Arlene.   However, this "Be Still" thing, what is that?  How do I do it? I have heard of still, I may have even witnessed it. I just don't know how to be it.  I cried out to the Lord and said, " LORD, help me be still!"

There had to be something about this still thing though. I mean all these people of faith were doing it and it is a command from God and that is enough. But wait a minute, still means quiet. I hated quiet. I always drowned quiet out with music, television, conversation, or even activity. You see if I were quiet then it was me and my thoughts and there were a whole lot of those I did not like. On the outside I was the glass half full , hopeless romantic, idealist. On the inside I was filled with self doubt, insecurity, guilt, shame, and if I am honest there was also some degree of self loathing. So I could not be left alone with those thoughts. 

Guess what?  He answered me.  Despite my child like faith at an early age , I was not baptized until I was in my 30s.  I will never forget the Sunday before my baptism, which incidentally I had no idea would take place one week later. I sat at my breakfast table. Everyone was asleep in my house. It was quiet. 

That morning something was different about quiet. There was no whirring thoughts. There was no , 'I should have , could have , would haves.' There was no overwhelming desire to get up and clean, straighten up, wash anything. I just sat there quiet and still and what I felt was ineffable. Though I love words and dare to craft them together, believe me when I say there are no words that could describe the abundant peace and calmness that enveloped me in that stillness that morning.  It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

After however many moments they were, (since I did not keep track, I was simply being and enjoying doing it) I wrote a poem that came out like a song called Make Me New.

Little did I know the Lord was working on that very thing already. He planned that moment , just like he did all the moments to come in the following week with my baptism. He would follow this up with a time of growth in my faith and closeness to Him.   Looking back, I see his plan and marvel over it even more now than then.  

So step one in waiting, is the ability to be still. If you are like me and struggle with this , ask God. He will answer generously.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.- James 1:5. 

Now, I know many of you are thinking. Hey, most waiting stories are not so tidy or simple. This I know. I have many more waiting stories.  I said being still was the first step. The Lord had to teach me this important baby step, so I could walk some harder steps in my faith journey.

So for now, ask yourself this, " Am I able to be still?" If no, then ask God for help. If yes, when was the last time you were?  Take a moment to be still and see what he wants to whisper to your soul.

This makes all the difference when we are in seasons of waiting.  

Be still, and know that I am God- Psalm 46:10

Mountains, Valleys, Fear, Hope, Pain and Peace

JULY 8, 2016

This Jon Foreman song is playing in my mind this morning…..

Inner peace is hard to find
Peace of heart and peace of mind
Feels like I'm running all the time
Like I'm at war inside
I've been fighting all my life
How can we be ourselves
If we don't know who we are
I can't blame myself on anyone else's time
I can't blame myself on anyone else's time
There's gotta be a reason for the pain
There's gotta be a reason why it rains when I'm alone
There's gotta be a reason why I'm longing for a justice
I ain't ever seen
A water that could make us clean, yeah
How can we be ourselves
If we don't know who we are
I can't blame myself on anyone else's time
I can't blame myself on anyone else's time
I can't blame myself on anyone else's time
The window of my soul is so unclean
Shattered by the vices and the violence that I've seen
Purity of heart is to will one thing
But I've got a lot on my mind
Yeah maybe I'm a mess inside
How can we be ourselves
If we don't know who we are
I'm looking for the one that made me
That made me
That made me
I'm looking for the One
That made me
That made me
-

What an emotional roller coaster. Amazing conference presentations with practical application knowledge and words to empower and encourage nurse practitioners in their role and status across the nation. As we grow in numbers and continue to produce great patient outcomes , it is time we quit settling at being the substitute or who the patients settle to see. We are primary care providers, acute care providers, pediatric primary care providers etc….ENCOURAGEMENT AND EMPOWERMENT.

Then family time was next. Horseback riding in the mountains here in Keystone. It was an amazing experience for all 3 of us. These beautiful animals that God created just so carrying us on their backs through paths that are dusty, rocky, steep uphill and downhill and plateaus. We traveled through some beautiful scenery. I was truly at peace though conscious to follow rules as it was my first time on a horse alone.   We followed this up with a relaxing dinner lakeside. Watching ducks after that. We enjoyed a nice after dinner hike to a portion of Snake River where the current was calm enough to stand in these icy waters. So Kyra and I did.  It was cold and piercing yet cleansing and refreshing all at once.  Then we come back to condo….social media which I had primarily been sharing picture of our experience …..and I read it….

Police officers shot in Dallas at a protest from shootings earlier this week in Baton Rouge and Minneapolis.  I watched some of the scenes unfold until I could no longer watch. I read on social media cries of frustration, fear, anger, sorrow, ignorance, hate and people in dismay clinging onto hope.   That is where I am – in dismay clinging onto the only hope I know, Christ Jesus.

“How can we be ourselves, when we don’t know who we are?” We do not know as a society who we are. We know what we are told by the media, the government, societal norms, the color of our skin all shades from the darkest to the lightest.  We are told by our anemic education system who we are.
“I’M LOOKING FOR THE ONE THAT MADE ME”
This is where we start to find out who we are.  The one who made us knows who we are and desires us to know it, because once we know we too will be empowered to stand up against evil and say enough. I REFUSE to vindicate my pain and grief with further violence. I will let the one who made me vindicate me. I will love all , even if they do not deserve it, because the ONE who made me loves them. The ONE who made me even loves me in those times I don’t deserve it. WHEN WE KNOW WHO WE ARE  and WHO MADE US we will REFUSE to join the darkness , give in to the darkness, but instead BE THE LIGHT. The reason is the ONE that made me is LIGHT and we are made in his IMAGE. I believe deep down inside beyond the pain, fear , frustration, anger, grief lies two aspects of our humanness that have been fighting it out from the beginning of time- PRIDE and  LOVE .  We have to lay aside our wounded, even justified pride our sense of self anything and let LOVE win.  ONLY then will we truly know who we are, because the ONE that made me and you is LOVE.

Before all of this I was captivated by majestic mountains, rushing rivers, blue skies, pleasant temperatures, and calm lake full of fish and ducks. I was amazed at this GLIMPSE of God’s glory.  This morning in the wake of it all I sit looking out my window at those same mountains, lake and skies as I feel the crisp morning air come through the window and listen to birds singing and the river in the distance rushing at the pace its maker set for it. This is a glimpse of how it is supposed to be- the peace and beauty. This is a glimpse of the glory of the ONE who made us. GOD is still love.

 His people are lost, hurting, wounded. They are filled with disbelief, anger, vengeance, fear and underneath that all I know somewhere is LOVE.  Some of us have to fight to get to it more than others. I do not judge as I have not endured what they have. BUT we have to try to get to it, no matter what. Right now it is drowned out by pain and anguish. HATE is trying to drown out the love. BUT even in downtown Dallas where the latest tragedy unfolded last night, if you look hard enough you will see LOVE. You will find it in the way people tried to help one another in the midst of tragedy. You will see it as people comfort the grieving. You will see it as people worked tirelessly to care for the wounded.  I pray this morning not only for Dallas, Baton Rouge and Minneapolis. I pray for our nation and I pray for mankind. I pray we will look for the one who made us. Then we will find out who we are and we can be ourselves. A people that loves despite the cost, that knows we are children of God – all of us and that we would love one another as Christ has loved us. I pray PRIDE and HATE will be drowned out by LOVE. DARKNESS will be overcome with LIGHT and HOPE will drown out fear.


Lord let the Hope drown out the fear
Let comfort meet the pain
Let the light drown out the dark

Great Expectations

"Joy to the world the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King!"
What kind of entry would you EXPECT from a King? Resounding trumpets would announce his arrival. He is royalty,  so surely he would be dressed in the finest clothes. Do you envision deep purples adorned with embroidered gold? His throne is in an exalted place, for he is a king.  People clear the way for him to pass and all are moved by his majesty's presence and authority.

The people were EXPECTING a special kind of King, a Messiah.  Israel knew their annointed deliverer from God would come and rescue them from the Romans.   They likely expected their High Priest deliverer to match our imagined picture of royalty, but to a higher level.  The Israelites are God's people and he promised them Messiah so they waited.  He gave them clues- He would be from the lineage of David.  He was promised to rebuild the temple and unify the tribes of Israel.  They EXPECTED a might human warrior/King that would overthrow the Romans by the sword, so alas they could no longer be lowly and take their place as God's people.   They prayed and they waited for Messiah.

How do you think it was received when the King they EXPECTED  to come in sound fury, and pomp and 'glory' came as a baby?  A baby, born two normal ordinary people in a stable in Bethlehem.   Nothing good comes from that town.  He was wrapped in loose strips of clothing.  Where's the silk? Where's the gold? Where's the red carpet? What about resounding trumpets and his throne?  A manger is no throne for a King and surely a baby is no king. This is NOT what we EXPECTED!

Y'shua entered the world humbly. He was born to two simple, common yet obedient servants of Yaweh. He was wrapped in loose strips of clothing and place in a feeding trough.  He was born in a stable.
Oh, but if you look closer and lay down your EXPECTATIONS,  you can see his royalty.

The trumpets of man did not resound,  but the Angels of heaven could not keep from singing.  The bright star overhead adorned the sky and shone on the little babe.  His throne for the moment was a feeding trough, because His rightful throne is at the right hand of God.  People would be drawn to him by his majesty.  The shepherds and the Magi were a few of the first. The Magi would come and bring his gold and added to that frankincense and myrrh.

 He would deliver God's people, but not by the sword.  He came and humbled himself in his entry and even in his life and death which ultimately brought the delivery for God’s people. He would not overthrow one army, but instead defeat death, by taking it upon himself for His people. He rebuilt the temple,  but not the manly stone that could be destroyed, instead a resurrected body and soul that could not be destroyed.   It is not what we would EXPECT of a King.   But history will come to prove it was so much better.

Y'SHUA MASHIACH (Jesus Messiah)  fulfilled the promise in an UNEXPECTED way.  Our humble King's birth would mark the beginning of how He would overwhelm our EXPECTATIONS!    For those of us who hope and believe  Him, we are still overwhelmed as His love is better than we can ever EXPECT.

"Let every heart prepare him room. And heaven and nature sing!"

Has your heart been overwhelmed by the UNEXPECTED,  unconditional love of Jesus?
#Advent #PrepareYourHearts #JoytotheWorld #JESUSoverwhelmsEXPECTATIONS

As we remember what can we NOT forget?

I had a friend ask me what I thought about the mosque thing in New York they are wanting to build 3 blocks from where the world trade center stood.....ground zero.  Of course, my first answer is an emotional one. It is based on my values, beliefs, biases and feelings.  I don't know the right answer. But it seems this is yet again another hot topic the talking heads are using to divide our nation. Even if you feel assaulted by radical Islam, which I do. Even if you feel people tiptoe around other faiths, while the purposely seek out to tear yours down. Even if, as a Christian, you feel frustrated, confused, and despair for the nation's future for a number of reasons that you can not blame on one guy in one office; I had to stop a minute and think. I let the initial emotions aside and realized...the controversy they are building up through the media only fans the flames of a country so divided.  I have a dear friend. I love her and would do anything for her. We do not agree on faith or God. We probably do not share a common ground when it comes to some political issues.  But I love her. Together we share the love of a nation that allows us to have liberties to raise our families with our own values, biases, opinions. We value the ability to have a safe place to raise our children without many fears that are very present in many nations around the world. We value the ability to speak our minds and not be imprisoned for it. We value the freedoms and liberties that our constitution laid out for us.  America is a great nation. It is undergoing a lot of strife. But I think the greatest danger that exists is we our losing our identity as Americans, what it stands for, and what so many women and men give up to provide for us to continue this life.  So as we remember this tragedy, remember the unity it brought. Remember how divisiveness was put aside for too short a time, but put aside and we were AMERICANS.  If we can hold onto that notion and not forget what that means, then I have a hope for this nation for my child and her children. If we continue to fight over petty things and tear each other down, we will face the fate many tribes and nations faced that were decimated......we must learn to put aside our differences from time to time and focus on our common bond- to live in a nation that allows a poor man to work hard enough to no longer be poor, that allows worship of your faith without fear of death and to raise your families without much fear....
As we remember , lest we not forget....what America really means....

On My Own

On my own
 I am anything but lost
On my own
 I cannot afford the cost
Each time I try to do it
I never can get through it
Just can't live this life
on my own

On my own
 I lose sight of what's dear
On my own
 I forget to draw near
So I fall on my face
I slip from your grace
When I try to live life
 on my own

How many times must I find myself lying
Face down on the floor?
Broken down, weary, crying
"I can't go anymore."
Can't get up, but I have to move on
Only way out is through this
But I know I just can't do this
On my own

In my weakest moments
When I have no strength to stand
You lift me up and carry me
My tears are in your hands
You quitely whisper , "Trust me, Hold on"
And "You can not do this on your own."